Shocking Discovery

Well last night Jeremy reactivated his account. And he walked back into my life this morning. I was talking to him. And honestly I don’t think he has any sense of remorse for what he did. Lying and faking his death he came back expecting a welcome and forgiveness just like that. Now he knows, however, that that is not going to happen. I want to forgive him but I can’t. Not so soon and not so easily. On the other hand my friend Aya has been talking to him for a while and forgives him then there is my friend Alison who I don’t think even cares. And Tay and Sonii are my fav at this point. They constantly trashed him and yelled and bitched. All on my behalf. Such good friends : )
Though when I spoke to him he clamed up and was acting like a self centered jerk. I don’t know why he expects so much of us. He left us for almost 2 months suffering and expects a good welcome. He has to think again but things will never be the way it was. Even if we forgive him we all know will never be the close bunch ever, ever again. It’s sad to admit but it’s the truth. I was at loss of words when he came back. I saw his picture and thought ‘No way, I’m seeing thing, I have to be, but no he has been there since last night. And it drove me crazy.
I wonder how he slept at night. If he even cared about us. But I thought about the old him and thought there was no way he had no feelings he cared and now he’s coming back to fix what he did wrong the only thing he didn’t think about was how hard it’s going to be. He told me his story, its rough but I didn’t feel bad because what he put us though,. . . me personally was much worse. There is no healing that wound. Not completely anyway. . .


We’ll see what happens. But the way things are now…it’s going to be a long repair.

I'm not who i make everyone think i am... =/

I want everyone to think I'm cool, sweet, smart, loving and all the other great things that come along with that. I am. but i should count that as lying since it's not all true. I only tell them half of the story. The part I like.

Deep down, I'm not a nice, cheery, loving, smart girl. I'm a lost, dark and angry girl. I have problems and I miss my old life. I don't know what i mean by that. . .I guess I mean when life was simple and problem free. I miss when life was all about friends and the worst fight you get into was because you took the last ice cream on the ice cream rack in school. Now my fights get physical. And I'm tempted to do bad things. I do bad things. I did bad things and I will keep doing bad things. not because I intentionally want to be a disappointment to my family but because I am a human and desires and temptations are a common weakness.

I hate disappointing my parents. I really do, Making them think they cant trust me, and I'm only an embarrassment. They give me a little freedom and i screw up every time. I hear it from them all the time and they don't know how much i regret it, and how guilty I feel. But sometimes when they don't eventually drop it. i learn to forget about it and just not care. That's my big, big problem. It's just that i don't care! when i have to do something, when i have to study when i have to do something about anything the only thing that goes on in my head is 'No, I'm not going to do it, because I DON'T CARE!'

I don't know why I'm like that. And I never said I was proud of it. But I'm different from the girls across the street. I'm shy, I'm curious, I'm a Muslim. Religion is part of why I am the way I am. What i wear makes me feel caged up. Like I'm not beautiful. One reason would be because My whole body is covered but my hands and face and another reason might be because everyone looks at my people and I like we're terrorists.

Just because we are different doesn't make us terrorists! We just don't agree with some of your ways. Nothing wrong with that. Last I checked there was FREEDOM OF SPEECH and FREEDOM OF RELIGION! And those are YOUR rules! not even OURS! Sheesh!So why are you protesting about a Mosque being built instead of a Church? The Priest CLOSED THE CHURCH! AND SOLD IT! there is NOTHING you can do now. FREEDOM OF RELIGION!

If you don't like it. . . .go somewhere else.

Summer Vacay!!! :D

I'm going to Egypt!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooooooooooo excited!!! from July 8th to August 30th! I'm sooo happy but its my first time away from home without my parents so there i am nervous but I'm looking forward to staying with my family in Egypt. I also plan on having the time of my life (LOL)Most of my friends say that it will be good for me...to get away and get the experience. But im upset because i will be gone for 7 weeks without a phone or computer!! my life REVOLVES around technology!!!!!!!!!!!
But hopefully God and family will help me pull thru :P
Im out! Later!

Life and God

Sometimes when i lay in bed and think about my life i cry. sometimes it out of joy and sometimes it's in disgust and hate. people say i have a lot of hate and anger in me. but only those who look for the negative things about me see that. I used to always be a sweet positive person. but as i got older i began seeing how life really was....and it drives me bananas! Life isn't always great that's true for everyone. but the good people just thank the Lord and make the best out of it.

It is EXTREMELY forbidden to even THINK about God's existence! OF COURSE HES THERE! but the only reason i think about it is because every time i need Him...He's never there. What do I think then? I try to praise him a lot, and keep Him in mine all day...well recently i have been trying but it's hard. Life has brought me down on my knees so many times. God is testing me but I have a big feeling I am going to fail this test and be punished...or maybe....God wants me to suffer....no that's not right God loves me....and...i love Him.

This summer

It's almost official!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On July 8th i will be going to Egypt and spending time with my family! i will be going alone and living with my grandmother, aunt and cousins! I havent seen them in almost a year...we usually see them every couple years and im soooo excited im getting this chance to go. I am looking forward to....getting away...and experiencing what should have been my everyday life. :D

Ahhh!! what to do?!?!

my phone bill went sky high!!!!!!! :( wht do i do?!?!?!

HAHAHAHAH!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!

Thank you God! Jeremy is alive but decided he needed to stay away from the internet for a while! good for him!! :D sooooooooooo glad to be 110% sure hes okay!!

ahh im so excited right now!!!!!!!!!!!