Life and God

Sometimes when i lay in bed and think about my life i cry. sometimes it out of joy and sometimes it's in disgust and hate. people say i have a lot of hate and anger in me. but only those who look for the negative things about me see that. I used to always be a sweet positive person. but as i got older i began seeing how life really was....and it drives me bananas! Life isn't always great that's true for everyone. but the good people just thank the Lord and make the best out of it.

It is EXTREMELY forbidden to even THINK about God's existence! OF COURSE HES THERE! but the only reason i think about it is because every time i need Him...He's never there. What do I think then? I try to praise him a lot, and keep Him in mine all day...well recently i have been trying but it's hard. Life has brought me down on my knees so many times. God is testing me but I have a big feeling I am going to fail this test and be punished...or maybe....God wants me to suffer....no that's not right God loves me....and...i love Him.