Opening up....

The past few days i been thinking...well im always thinking of course but i supposed the past few days i been thinking nd noticing i was thinking...does that make any sense? either way...i am a muslim...we aren't allowed to listen to music yet i do...i know what the punishment is yet i still do it. there are a lot of things we shouldnt b doing but we do anything. the temptations are just unbearable. its embarassing to admit how weak i am to these...even to myself. but i have been trying to change. i kno it will take a while nd not everyone will notice it...but im not doing it for the people...am i? or for myself?

Parents mad at you? D=

Ok, my parents disagree with me on A LOT of things...but that doesnt mean i want them mad at me!! its awful! the feeling that your parents dont want you around them at the moment, especially times when all i want is a hug :( (aww)
but its good that you love each other right? because you put your differences aside. you love each other and forgive each other for what ever it is(: i like that about family. my dad hardly spoke to me for almost 5 days...it was hell. my father means so much today but we made up this morning and it feels great(:


sometimes things DO go just as planned (:

Update: DRAMA!

I know! I know! i haven't written in forever. But i have a good reason...! i didn't want too...just kidding! (lol) i been busy actually. school, friends, week end classes, and drama. ugh lots and lots of drama. seems the drama follows me everywhere i go! i moved a million times and EVERY TIME I'm dragged in some crazy, stupid THING. JUST DRAMA! i try to stay out but I'm always dragged in! I USED to be the type that STARTED drama,,,according to my father but I know I'm not like that anymore! anyway high school is no funny busy. i need to start buckling down and actually studying! I'll try to write more though..chow for now!

School is Crazy =/ nd life is boring :S

I hate my life right now. its so boring. its always the same thing; get up, change, eat, do work, clean, help kids with their homework, soccer, computer, bed. :/ its rly just plain sucks and i have alot of work but i dont do any of it. so it just keeps piling and piling. I dont know wht to do anymore. im so bored, i want to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. go out with friends, take on the phone till 3 in the morning and drink lots and lots of root beer lol. I been busy with i have no idea what so thats why i dont post here much anymore. but its starting to get boring since no one even reads my posts. i always thought i just wanted to write stuff but its also nice to know tht someone is out there listening (reading). ahh wht r u gonna do? :)

What's new

Well school started, I'm taking Spanish and I loved it.

I went to watch Vampires Suck with my friends at the Movies but they werent playing ti anymore so we saw Easy A instead. which was.....dumb yet interesting.

I'm bored and have nothing to do.


I'm not sure i like reading anymore.


I went to Egypt as a tomboy and came back a girl so i need to get back in the game. lol.

I'm strangely craving coffee right about now.


I have work to do and i have no idea what I'm doing


i'm going to go now so bye.

Happy Eid!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^

so the month of Fasting, Ramadan, is over and today is Eid!! i get to get money/presents/new clothes and go out to dinner along with goin to a place like 6flags or adventure land :)
its gonna b alot of fun


this morning i woke up and we drove to a park where we prayed with many other by a lake. it was beautiful. it would have been alot better if it wasnt so cold and i was chattering and frozen in my spot like a Popsicle lol ^_^ but the day is still young and i cant wait to get out :)

hmm

I feel like the last bog i wrote was like 25yrs ago! O_O

anyway nothing new has happened, i mean im bak with my family, called alot of friends, hung out with one. talk none stop with other. im bak to my bad habbit of being on the computer 24/7 but dad has a new rule "nothing past midnight."which just so you know i think its the STUPIDEST rule he ever cae up with i told him tht too! and told him i thought it wasnt fair. but he didnt listen. nothing new there. life is boring in tht case....so yaaaaaaaaa ttyl ^_^

I'm HOOOOOOOOOOME!

I got home yesterday actually but just got to the comp (mainly cuz i just woke up XD)

Omg i missed my fam and friends soooooooooo much!!! its sooo good to see them again! i swear America seems soooooo unfamiliar. its scary and sad at the same time. my parents changed my room around as a surprise and it looks AMAZING! my mom made my fav food which was DELISH ;D and ym dad has a sweet new ride! im already done unpacking i did it all after i gave them their gifts as soon as i got home

i have alot to catch up on but im glad im home. :)

How much is Trust really worth?

Have you ever sat down and thought about it? How important is trust? what the hell IS trust? In the dictionary trust is 'the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed.' But for me trust is when someone tells me a secret and tells me not to tell. It's not a big deal. But that was a while back now i see that trust is something bigger. my meaning of it didnt change but the value of it definently changed. I know that if i knew someone but i couldn't trust them i would never be friends with them. there can't be a realtionship of any sort without trust. Love, hope, life it all comes from trust.


so how much is it worth? More than a millon lives.

The day after tomorrow

The day after tomorrow I will be traveling back to America. I don't sound excited do I? That's because I'm not, I'm only really excited when i have a bad day or a fight with my cousin or talking to my family or something. but im really gonna miss her, i know it's not much of a sight but the people here are cool and the place (cough and garbage cough) grows on you. I really am going to miss here. But one problem; once i go I'm never going to wanna come back alone.

13 days..... :( ( ? )

Ok, so I'm leaving Egypt in 13 days... I was just telling my dad today when we were talking on the WebCam that even the thought of me going to back to America is so unfamiliar. I wondered why i was feeling that for real...? i haven't been here long enough to feel that this is actualy my home...and i dont WANT to feel that. my life is in America and ti always will be. I'm sorry Dad. :(

but all the same, i dont wanna go back yet.


what the hell?! D:

In 2 Weeks....

Ok,Ok so I'm going home in 2 weeks. I'm REALLY ERALLLY REALLY excited I'm going home. I dont wanna go home but i wanna leave egypt. I fine that really sad cuz they want me here really bad and i wanna leave more than anything. It's just that life is so different here and i just cant stand it. I miss my american family. My american friends, my american room, food, hang outs...i miss it all so much. when i landed in egyupt besides the fact i was BEYOND excited...i felt as if part of my was viciously ripped out. now im jumping up and down with excitment that i will be with my family again soon. i never missed my brother's teasing so much. :P

Not Much

I didnt really post becauzse i was waiting for something to happen for me to tell you. but seriously nothing happened....i really wish something did. i mean...i went to the beach yesterday and i SHOCKINGLY didnt drink any water.....i also froze my butt of when i go out to dry off cuz we stayed till after sunset...which was beautiful btw....and ya so the wind was UBERCOLD. i also had lots and lots of cotton candy. (yummmmmm ^_^)

i been going out alot...i may have mentioned that already in another post..that i been out more than i sleep? haha well thats still true. lol. i really dont know how the people here do it. and im starting to get used to the time changes. which is sad because i like sleeping after 7:00 in the morning. now im getting tired at 12:00 and ready to shoot myself at 4:00. my cuz's found that funny. i found it histarical (<---i may have spelled that wrong..)(and that was COMPLETE sarcasm XP)

anyway thats really it..i woke up not too long ago so my day is going slow so far but im going to my granny's tonight and sleeping over and ill get to call my people from America! :D woohoo

ANYWAY ima go now but i'll catch y'all later! buh-bye!


-Amina

Just So....DIFFERENT

you know, i try to fit in! I really do! But life here (in Egypt) is just so DIFFERENT. a perfect example(kinda weird i know): removing hair from your wrist to your elbow. Ok, in America is doesnt matter whether you do it or not, but HERE...Oh.My.God. if you dont do it....ur a ALIEN. its soooo stupid!
and then my cousin goes to this club called a Nadi, i cant go in because im not from here. but thats soooo STUPID and i have to pay ALOT of money to get a card for a whole month JUST TO SIT IN WATCH. i was like 'o hell no! kiss my foot! I'm not doing that!" and its a shame cuz i really like watching my cousin and her friends TRY to play basketball. Ha-ha.


well ya i have like NO TIME to be talking right now but ill see ya soon! ;D

In Egypt, lovin' it?

Well, sorry for forgetting to post. But i just remebered so here i am. Egypt isnt like i expected. I wanted to have a blast. but I'm only getting annoyed and frustrated. I'm listening to my fav songs right now an in a room so im having time for myself. which is kinda what i wanted/needed. but the place that I'm staying in egypt (which is a cirty called Portsaid) i HATE it. the people here are so rude. The prces are so high, the guys r all bad, and its nothing but dirt and garbage. I really mean it there isnt even any shopping malls. Good ones i mean.

But when i first came i shopped in Cairo which was AWESOME, i got really nice shirts and jerlwery. But i STAYED in a place called Al-Rehab. Its BEAUTIFUL and CLEAN, and AMAZING. i LOVED it there but its sooooooooooo far from where im staying now :(

My cousin is spoiled and snotty so she whines and stomps and thinks shes going to get her way. Think again Menna. GOD! and she gets angry SO DANG FAST! i hate it!! grrr



but other than that i guess life kis okay. I mean no one is coming after to kill me or anything and i talk to my parents every single say. atleast twice a day. Oh SNAP! which reminds me! I have to call them!

Ha-ha! BYE!

It doesn't make sense!!

It doesn't make any sense. I'm going to Egypt in less than i week and I'm not excited anymore. It doesn't make sense. I'm glad J is back but I'm also angry. It doesn't make sense. I'm curious but also don't care. It doesn't make sense. I want attention but I want to be left alone.It doesn't make sense. I wonder but don't think. It doesn't make sense. I Love but I also Hate. It doesn't make sense. I adore but I also despise. It doesn't make sense. I want to be normal but I'm stuck in my own drama to even consider it. It doesn't make sense. I like writing but I don't want to write. It doesn't make sense. I'm tired but i don't want to sleep. It doesn't make sense. I want to laugh but can't find the energy to do it. It doesn't make sense. I want to do things but I don't want to do anything. It doesn't make sense.I want to get away but I don't want to go anywhere. It doesn't make sense. I'm me but I'm not me. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!

What's wrong with me?!? =/

Shocking Discovery

Well last night Jeremy reactivated his account. And he walked back into my life this morning. I was talking to him. And honestly I don’t think he has any sense of remorse for what he did. Lying and faking his death he came back expecting a welcome and forgiveness just like that. Now he knows, however, that that is not going to happen. I want to forgive him but I can’t. Not so soon and not so easily. On the other hand my friend Aya has been talking to him for a while and forgives him then there is my friend Alison who I don’t think even cares. And Tay and Sonii are my fav at this point. They constantly trashed him and yelled and bitched. All on my behalf. Such good friends : )
Though when I spoke to him he clamed up and was acting like a self centered jerk. I don’t know why he expects so much of us. He left us for almost 2 months suffering and expects a good welcome. He has to think again but things will never be the way it was. Even if we forgive him we all know will never be the close bunch ever, ever again. It’s sad to admit but it’s the truth. I was at loss of words when he came back. I saw his picture and thought ‘No way, I’m seeing thing, I have to be, but no he has been there since last night. And it drove me crazy.
I wonder how he slept at night. If he even cared about us. But I thought about the old him and thought there was no way he had no feelings he cared and now he’s coming back to fix what he did wrong the only thing he didn’t think about was how hard it’s going to be. He told me his story, its rough but I didn’t feel bad because what he put us though,. . . me personally was much worse. There is no healing that wound. Not completely anyway. . .


We’ll see what happens. But the way things are now…it’s going to be a long repair.

I'm not who i make everyone think i am... =/

I want everyone to think I'm cool, sweet, smart, loving and all the other great things that come along with that. I am. but i should count that as lying since it's not all true. I only tell them half of the story. The part I like.

Deep down, I'm not a nice, cheery, loving, smart girl. I'm a lost, dark and angry girl. I have problems and I miss my old life. I don't know what i mean by that. . .I guess I mean when life was simple and problem free. I miss when life was all about friends and the worst fight you get into was because you took the last ice cream on the ice cream rack in school. Now my fights get physical. And I'm tempted to do bad things. I do bad things. I did bad things and I will keep doing bad things. not because I intentionally want to be a disappointment to my family but because I am a human and desires and temptations are a common weakness.

I hate disappointing my parents. I really do, Making them think they cant trust me, and I'm only an embarrassment. They give me a little freedom and i screw up every time. I hear it from them all the time and they don't know how much i regret it, and how guilty I feel. But sometimes when they don't eventually drop it. i learn to forget about it and just not care. That's my big, big problem. It's just that i don't care! when i have to do something, when i have to study when i have to do something about anything the only thing that goes on in my head is 'No, I'm not going to do it, because I DON'T CARE!'

I don't know why I'm like that. And I never said I was proud of it. But I'm different from the girls across the street. I'm shy, I'm curious, I'm a Muslim. Religion is part of why I am the way I am. What i wear makes me feel caged up. Like I'm not beautiful. One reason would be because My whole body is covered but my hands and face and another reason might be because everyone looks at my people and I like we're terrorists.

Just because we are different doesn't make us terrorists! We just don't agree with some of your ways. Nothing wrong with that. Last I checked there was FREEDOM OF SPEECH and FREEDOM OF RELIGION! And those are YOUR rules! not even OURS! Sheesh!So why are you protesting about a Mosque being built instead of a Church? The Priest CLOSED THE CHURCH! AND SOLD IT! there is NOTHING you can do now. FREEDOM OF RELIGION!

If you don't like it. . . .go somewhere else.

Summer Vacay!!! :D

I'm going to Egypt!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooooooooooo excited!!! from July 8th to August 30th! I'm sooo happy but its my first time away from home without my parents so there i am nervous but I'm looking forward to staying with my family in Egypt. I also plan on having the time of my life (LOL)Most of my friends say that it will be good for me...to get away and get the experience. But im upset because i will be gone for 7 weeks without a phone or computer!! my life REVOLVES around technology!!!!!!!!!!!
But hopefully God and family will help me pull thru :P
Im out! Later!

Life and God

Sometimes when i lay in bed and think about my life i cry. sometimes it out of joy and sometimes it's in disgust and hate. people say i have a lot of hate and anger in me. but only those who look for the negative things about me see that. I used to always be a sweet positive person. but as i got older i began seeing how life really was....and it drives me bananas! Life isn't always great that's true for everyone. but the good people just thank the Lord and make the best out of it.

It is EXTREMELY forbidden to even THINK about God's existence! OF COURSE HES THERE! but the only reason i think about it is because every time i need Him...He's never there. What do I think then? I try to praise him a lot, and keep Him in mine all day...well recently i have been trying but it's hard. Life has brought me down on my knees so many times. God is testing me but I have a big feeling I am going to fail this test and be punished...or maybe....God wants me to suffer....no that's not right God loves me....and...i love Him.

This summer

It's almost official!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On July 8th i will be going to Egypt and spending time with my family! i will be going alone and living with my grandmother, aunt and cousins! I havent seen them in almost a year...we usually see them every couple years and im soooo excited im getting this chance to go. I am looking forward to....getting away...and experiencing what should have been my everyday life. :D

Ahhh!! what to do?!?!

my phone bill went sky high!!!!!!! :( wht do i do?!?!?!

HAHAHAHAH!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!

Thank you God! Jeremy is alive but decided he needed to stay away from the internet for a while! good for him!! :D sooooooooooo glad to be 110% sure hes okay!!

ahh im so excited right now!!!!!!!!!!!

not caring..just writing..my feelings

I dont expect anyone to reply to these posts or to get any help..i like writing..and thats how i solve my problems..by writing them out...

so today's problem is...or the problem i've had for a while now is...

i feel empty, unwanted, not cared for..i feel like people would care let alone NOTICE if i DIE...i always say how i wished i was loved and i miss a whole bunch of things and usually that gets me nowhere...i get called desperate... :(

am i?

New story (Prologue)

“Susie.” I heard my name being called from a distance. “Susie, baby come no closer, I’m here, you have to trust me.” I was in a meadow on a hill, walking toward the blinding sunlight, “Jake?” I say finally recognizing the voice “Jake? Is that you? Really you?”I squinted against the light and saw a human figure in front of the light. It was a man. It was Jake. I tried running to him, but I tripped “No!” he yelled then got calm again “No, Susie, no Susie baby, don’t come, I’m here,” I looked up I saw his face but it was an illusion I knew it. He was see through “Jake…” I say tears quickly filling my eyes “No, baby, no, don’t cry, I’m here.” That’s when he came, he wrapped his arms around me “I got you, baby, shh, it’s okay, I got you.” I buried my face in his shirt, the same one he wore when he died “I love you.” I whispered in between sobs. Then he squeezed me “I love you too, baby,” then I felt him pull away “I have to go now.” I whimpered “No, please don’t.” he had a sad look “I know, I know, I don’t want to leave, but I have to. I’m always with you baby, always.” He kissed my forehead. It came out like a static shock. Then he was gone, I stood up and tried running to the light again. I didn’t hear his voice this time “Jake!” I screamed over and over again. No answer. “Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!!!!!!!!!!!”

I woke up with a start, sweaty and tangled in the sheets. I heard a movement, my voice cracked, signaling tears “Jake?” No, of course it wasn’t him. What am I thinking? I cried then I cried. I felt so alone, so cold. So there I was, a week and a half after my boyfriend, Jake Bourne’s, devastating death that left me in shattered into twenty million and one pieces. Alone. So alone.

R.I.P??

I don’t understand, you see, I have...had…a friend…he was the jock-y, positive kind of guy. Until one day (May 17^th,2010) he “died” of lung cancer…I met the guy online and we had been talking for over half a year…he never mentioned anything about lung cancer…he was also the type of guy who was very against lying. So when he "died", I broke down into tears. Except…how could he have? Lung cancer isn’t something that happens over night and you die the next week of!! He had made a video on youtube 3 weeks ago of him playing his guitar, he looked fine; healthy and had hair...my friend tells me that doesn’t say anything because her grandmother has lung cancer and she has hair and seems healthy.

I have a hard time believing he died though. He said he was in St. John’s Mercy hospital in MO. My mother called the hospital, apparently they had no patient by his name. it didn’t make any sense…why would someone fake their death?? I knew he was going through a tough time at home…but to fake his death? To lie? That just wasn’t like him and I didn’t want to believe it! Mom says I was played…but I couldn’t believe it…either way..whether I was played…or he really did die…I was hurt…very badly…and if anyone thinks that I’m just going to let it go without finding out what really happened…they guessed wrong.

My friend and I have been searching all over the internet hoping to find something..but we found nothing…possibly an article from his school about a 15-year old violence incident…it explains why he has 180 days of out of school suspension…it’s a loooooong story….and we also found an abduction report from 1994 also by him…which he had already told me about….its like this boy never existed! I want to find out what happened! I want answers!! NOW!

HE’S NOT DEAD! HE’S GOING THROUGH A LOT AND JUST WANTED TO BE ALONE! THAT’S MY EXCUSE AND I KNOW I’M RIGHT! I WILL NOT BELIEVE OTHERWISE!!

(readers may not understand this clearly but i was angry and needed to get my anger out...SORRY!)

The Begining

Hiya everyone!!

I thought I'd just start off with a basic hello no? Well, if you read my profile you know I'm a teen and enjoy the basic things. I'll have you know though that I am NOT a girly-girl and I do NOT stalk people (haha, just felt like throwing that in there.) I home school, and love meeting new people, I'm a teenager so I'm going through some 'problems' like any other teen. I have a lot of secrets and i have a problem when it comes to telling people, I'm not exactly quite and secretive, I'm loud and annoying. Haha, no I'm kidding but seriously? i never know when to stop, i just keep talking and talking until I'm done with nothing left to say and I regret saying every word of it :P

I don't exactly know what to say...Cuz I'm older and don't go into detail about my hobbies and fav colors and foods..but I'll just say it anyway.

Fav color: Black (but NOT goth!)

Fav food: No clue

Hobbies: T.v, reading, writing, basketball, computer.

Nationality: Egyptian-American

Religion: Muslim (Islam)

Few random stuff: I did Kung-fu for 3 years, i have 2 siblings, I'm the oldest child. I speak Arabic and have no accent in my English. (thank God) I'm very open, yet secretive in a way at times.

I don't mind questions so ask away :D

thanks for reading!!

Yours truly,

Silent Screamer (Amina Shehata)